"Why? Why didn't SOMEONE tell ME?"

After several hours at the hospital, my family and I returned back home. Mom had prepared a large pot of hamburger soup on the stove. Through the tears, we giggled for a moment as Mom, of course wouldn't just run off and die of a sudden heart attack without making sure we all had dinner first.

There on the counter were the sweet potatoes, waiting for Thanksgiving. The turkey was in the freezer and the cranberry sauce sat in cans near the sink. Her purse and her favorite RED sweater lay on the chair in the kitchen. She never went anywhere without her purse. I cried that night like I had never cried in my life, until my GUT hurt and I was gasping for air.

My father, although suffering from Alzheimers, awoke early and was looking through his metal file holders for the life insurance policy. I sat in her chair and waited to see her come thru the door. I waited and waited for two days. I didn't change my clothes. I didn't take a bath. I braided my hair so I wouldn't have to comb it. She never did come back. She never came back home.

After two days, there was a knock at the screen door. It was my Mom's best friend from two houses down the street, Alice was her name. She screamed at me through the screen door, "Is it true Patsy?? Is it true? Tell me it's not TRUE? Why didn't SOMEONE tell me???", as she shouted through her tears. "WHY??", she repeatedly asked.

Speechless in tears I stared at her. Still in shock myself, I thought,...... "Why didn't SOMEONE tell ME?"

Finding Peace where there is None.

Decadent Chocolate Cake at the Bentley's Coffee Bar. It was peaceful there, packed full of students, conversations BUZZED loudly. The salads were wonderful made with spinach leaves, sprouts, fresh ranch dressing, tomato's, carrots, red cabbage, and fresh ground pepper. There were intelligent people everywhere of every race and culture. I would go there for PEACE, because with all the NOISE I found peace. The voices sort of blended together, the HIPPY guitar would play in the background outside and I would study. Without anxiety or that now too familiar 'fear of life', I could study. All the sounds would blend together in a peaceful white noise of nothingness.

Amongst the noise, I could hear the Holy Spirit talk to me and I could ponder for hours and memorize anything that I desired. As I stared off into the distance, tears filled my eyes and I felt a rush of cold air pass through me. Surely, I was crazy and probably drank one too many iced mocha coffees. I began to cry for no apparent reason. Perhaps, it was just being 19 years of age and being on my own in Tucson, AZ? Perhaps I missed my family in Bisbee? However, without a warning, I began to cry and I felt a terrible stillness. Embarrassed, I quickly gathered my books, and hussled back to the dormitory.

Wiping my eyes, I flung open the door to the floor where my room was, and my closest friend said, "Patsy...Call home! There is an emergency.!!!" (It was just Shannon. She was trying to get me back for the night before when I unrolled a large red carpet down the hallway and played a fake trumpet for her as she left on a hot date.) "Shut up!! I told her. "Don't be so stupid!!!" She grabbed me by my shoulders and said, "I'm serious Patsy. You need to call home." My life as I knew it, just stopped. Everything came to a bloody, gut wrenching bursting HALT.

Someone must have 'carried me' that night, as I don't remember the two hour drive home in the dark. Somehow I made it safely to the Copper Queen Hospital. Running as fast I could through the red rose bushes, I made it to the front doors. Out of breath, I pulled open the doors and saw my siblings with devastated faces and a doctor in a white coat, with no face. My oldest sister said, "Mom died Patsy. Mom died about fifteen minutes ago." The doctor said, 'I can give you some valium. It will help you sleep tonight.'

Sleep??? I don't want to Sleep!!! Someone wake me up! Someone wake me up from this NIGHTMARE. Thanksgiving is four days away....and she's GONE?

No one woke me that night.

It was real.

My Mom was GONE.

My Mother, My friend.

It was the weekend before Thanksgiving break. What a pleasure it was to talk to my Mom on the phone long distance from the University of Arizona. Our relationship was different now. She was no longer that tough lady that cared for five children all day, cooking and cleaning and waking before the sun was up to make sure we had breakfast. She was my friend, a woman, just like me, with real life fears and dreams and a sensuality of all her own.

At 61 years of age, she still could walk in four inch heels, chest out, back straight and could still turn a few heads around town. Her long red nails and bright red lipstick and self-confidence fascinated me. All of these things, but what she did best was being a Mother and a Grandmother. She always had something cooking on the stove and always had enough to serve who ever came to visit. Beds were always made, floors were always clean, walls were never dirty and somehow there were never dirty dishes in the sink. In fact, there were never dishes drying in the sink. We didn't have a dishwasher. How did she do that?

She cut our conversation short that Saturday afternoon. She said, "I think I ate a bad sandwich from Safeway yesterday. I need to go Patsy. You save your gas money for Thanksgiving on Thursday. You don't worry about coming home this weekend." I took her advice but something was pulling hard at my heart. Yet, I stayed in Tucson and studied.

That Moment when Life as you know it Changes

Headed back up to Tucson, around the Copper Queen Mine, up through the mountains, where the little homes balanced on the hillside. I remember that very moment, like it was yesterday. I can still see myself driving and my reflection in my rearview mirror. Something didn't feel the same this time when I left home. I couldn't put my finger on it. Something gave me the shivers a really erie premonition like feeling.....like this was the 'LAST TIME'. The 'last time' for what?

Pushing the odd feelings aside, my mind returned to the upcoming paper due for Humanities class and the 'Book of Job'. It just didn't make sense to me. How could "God be enough"? I would be miserable if I lost eveything. What could God have to do with that?

When there is NOTHING left but GOD,......

"When there is NOTHING left but GOD, God is ENOUGH.

" Throwing my dirty laundry in my little black sports car, I rattled my brain thinking about the assignment of reading. (Another assignment to read directly from the Bible.) Geez!!! Is there nothing more exciting??? What kind of history lesson is this?? Why did I ever sign up for this Humanities course anyway??? Damn! Where are my shoes?? Here's one. Good enough. It's just the weekend in Bisbee, to the place I called HOME, where I MATTERED, where I was SAFE, and LOVED no matter what.

The drive wasn't bad that weekend. The Arizona sunset was like no other, but my mind was too busy that evening, with my teenage pressures and worries; my GPA, friends and endless assignments. The brisk November air coming in thru my sun roof. So glad I had enough gas to make the trip to see my parents. How fragile they seem. When did they become human? What if?

Nevermind. Approaching the Bisbee tunnel a good song played on the stereo. (Ah the tunnel.... )This is the part where I hold my breath. It's a piece of cake now. (1, 2, 3 inhale.......whew... exhale........) I'm nearly home.

"Hey Dad! Look I even washed my car on the way home and did the wheels!" His eyes shined as he heard me talk, but they seemed so glazy and a bit distant. My mother, eight years younger than my father, still SEXY and TOUGH as ever. Yet tonight her face looked gaunt and for the first time in my life, she looked tired.

Still, she sat up with me that night and listened to me. For the first time, she LET me talk straight from my heart. She never had time for that romantic/squishy stuff. When I was in high school, I told her, "I love you MOM." She said, "Of course you do!! I am your Mother!! Now, get to bed!! ( Man! She was only five foot seven. Being raised in Chicago sure had its effect on her. She's mean like "Leroy Brown". I love that song.)

Strangely, tonight was different. Mom wanted to hear all about school and my life. We TALKED and I read to her the book of JOB. She LET me tell her about a man that had lost everything; his home, his family, his health. He LOST everything, but his FAITH in God, and "God was enough." Mom didn't say much this time. She let me find my own answers. She had taught me all she had the time for, in 19 years.

Sunday I packed my clean clothes, looked at my pom pon's on my bedroom wall, re-aligned my collection of chapsticks, made my bed, kissed my Dad and walked into the kitchen. Without FEAR, for the first time, I looked her straight in the eyes and said, "I love you Mom." Courageously, I hugged her at that kitchen stove, where I hugged her every morning as a child. It was quite a brave thing to do that day, as it just wasn't something that NEEDED to be said. I was just supposed to know. However, this time......this time, she LET me say it. She LET me hug her GOODBYE.

After Nov 22nd...1987

"The world doesn't STOP here. You have to move on......." I hear the echo of his voice through my life, thru every trial and dissapointment and through every overwhelming adventure. I remember him courageously trudging forward, just moments after the lowest moment in his life. He just LOST his lover, partner, best friend and his wife after 36 years and HE was telling ME to pick MYSELF up and move on???.......and I did.....and I do.